What are grief and loss?

Grief is the natural emotional response to loss. This may involve the death of someone close, like a family member or friend. Grief can also occur after a serious illness, divorce or other significant loss.

Grief often involves intense sadness and other feelings.

For most people, the intensity of grief eases over time. However, every person grieves differently. This includes:

• how long your feelings of grief last
• how grief is felt or experienced
• how you cope with grief
• if you express grief publicly or privately

There are many factors involved in how people process grief. This includes religious or cultural factors.

Processing grief can be exhausting and emotionally draining. For some people, grief makes it hard to do simple things or even leave the house. Other people may use distractions to help them cope, like watching television or staying active.

After losing a loved one, you may always carry sadness and miss the person who is gone.

After experiencing loss, most people can find meaning and experience pleasure again. Some people even find new wisdom and strength after loss.

Are there different types of grief and loss?

The word grief is most often used in situations like the death of a loved one. This is also called bereavement. It can be especially severe following the death of an infant or child, or a suicide.

There are other reasons that can cause feelings of grief and loss.

You may feel loss when something happens to change a future outcome that you were hoping for. You may grieve the loss of a feeling of safety or predictability.

The more significant a loss is to you, the more intense your grief may be.

You may grieve over:

• infertility or a miscarriage
• the loss of a pet
• the diagnosis of a chronic, serious or terminal illness
• an illness, accident or disability
• having a child with a disability, a mental illness or a substance abuse problem

You may also grieve after:

• divorce, separation or a relationship breakdown
• giving up something that mattered to you
• work changes — such as unemployment, retirement or retrenchment
• moving away or separation from family or friends
• having an 'empty nest' when your children leave home

What are the effects of grief?

Everybody reacts to grief, loss and death differently.

Grief can cause intense feelings. It can affect your physical health and impact your life in different ways.

For some people, grief and loss can lead them to experience growth. This may include:

• searching for or finding new purpose or meaning
• connecting or reconnecting with spiritual beliefs
• building connections with new people
• developing a new sense of wisdom or maturity

Emotions and thinking

Immediately after a death or loss, especially one that is unexpected, you may feel:

• shocked
• numb
• in denial

As you begin to understand the situation, you may feel:

• sadness and despair
• emptiness and longing
• loneliness
• anger
• guilt
• relief
• anxiety

These feelings can be painful, overwhelming and difficult to deal with. Sometimes you may feel feelings that contradict each other.

Grief can come in waves, seeming to fade in intensity for a while before coming back.

While you are grieving, you may:

• have difficulty concentrating or thinking about anything else
• try to push your feelings down or mask them
• act differently than you usually do
• withdraw from friends, loved ones, or activities you usually enjoy
• have vivid dreams or nightmares
• drink alcohol, smoke or use drugs more than usual
• feel depressed

The effects of grief can often resemble depression. Some people do develop depression after a significant loss. If you are dealing with a major loss and finding it difficult to cope, see your doctor.

Some people may also have thoughts of hurting themselves or suicide.

If you need to talk to someone about your mental health, call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.

Physical health

Grief can be exhausting, and this may weaken your immune system. This can make you more prone to colds and other illnesses.

Grief can affect your appetite and lead to weight changes.

It can affect sleep and leave you feeling very tired.

Grief can also lead to:

• stomach aches
• headaches
• body aches
• muscle weakness

Prolonged grief

For some people, grief can be more intense and last for a long time. This is known as prolonged grief disorder or complicated grief.

This may be more likely if you:

• are a child or adolescent
• lose a close family member
• experience a particularly traumatic loss

If you are dealing with complicated grief, your feelings of loss may not be getting easier to cope with over time. You may be focused on thoughts and memories of the person who died. This can make the future seem empty and hopeless.

You may feel:

• stuck or 'emotionally paralysed'
• lost or alone
• confused
• overwhelming sadness
• an ongoing longing for the past
• unable to think past the grief and loss

You may have more extreme thoughts and behaviours, which may or may not be linked to the experience that caused your grief.

This can be very distressing. It can impact your ability to cope and function in everyday life.

When should I seek help for grief and loss?

It is a good idea to seek help if:

• you have persistent feelings of sadness and despair
• your grief has been distressing for 12 months or more
• your grief is getting in the way of your everyday life

You may be experiencing depression or prolonged grief.

You should also seek help if grief is disrupting your life. This could mean your grief:

• is affecting your job or your relationships
• makes it very difficult to do anything
• makes it difficult to socialise or interact with your community
• prevents you from sleeping well
• has caused you to lose your appetite or overeat
• causes intense and ongoing distress
• causes you to have thoughts of harming yourself

How can I cope with grief?

If you experience grief or loss, you may always feel some sadness and miss the person or opportunities you have lost. But the painful, intense feelings should gradually subside. It eventually becomes easier to deal with life.

It's important to remember that 'moving on' doesn't mean that your grief will end, but instead that you will learn to live with it.

Griefline - Everyone experiences grief

Allow yourself to feel your emotions

Grief can cause many emotions. It's important to let yourself explore and express your emotions in healthy ways.

• Allow yourself to cry — crying is normal for males and females and often brings some relief.
• Creative activities like listening to music or writing can help.
• Time spent alone can allow you to connect with your emotions.
• Spending time with friends and loved ones can help you talk through your emotions.
• Write your thoughts in a journal.

If you have lost someone, honouring their memory may help you process your emotions. You can try:

• collecting photos or keepsakes
• writing a letter to the person who died
• sharing stories and rituals with loved ones

Take time for yourself

Set a regular routine to do something special for yourself every day. You can try:

• going for a walk
• meditating
• taking time to relax

Get support

It's important to spend time with supportive people to:

• talk about how you are feeling
• accept offers of help
• simply be together

It can be a big help to talk to:

• your doctor
• a counsellor
• a psychologist
• people at a support group
• a bereavement counsellor
• your friends and loved ones

Look after your health

While grief can make self-care harder, it is important to look after your physical health. You should aim to:

• get some regular exercise
• eat healthy food
• make sure you have enough sleep
• drink alcohol responsibly
• avoid recreational drugs

Experiencing anniversaries

Birthdays, anniversaries or holidays can trigger intense feelings of grief. It may help to mark these occasions with a simple ceremony like:

• lighting a candle
• playing music
• gathering with family

How can I support a grieving loved one?

If someone you know is going through grief and loss, there are ways you can help.

Offer support

Get in touch regularly and be available to spend time together. Respect that your friend or loved one may need to:

• cry
• talk or be silent
• be alone

Physical comfort like a hug may also help. Always ask first if they would like physical contact.

Spend some time doing ordinary and positive things together, like:

• watching a movie
• going for a walk
• having a meal

You can also offer practical support, such as cleaning, cooking or looking after their children.

Listen

It can be difficult to know what to say, particularly if you have not experienced grief yourself. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to listen to what the other person has to say.

If they have lost someone, don't be afraid to talk about them. The person you are supporting may want to hear their name.

Try to avoid giving advice or using clichés. It's more meaningful to help them feel like the emotions they are experiencing are normal. You can say something like "I'm sorry this is such a difficult time". If you have advice for your loved one, ask if they would like to hear it first.

Be aware

Grief may last for a long time. Birthdays and anniversaries may be difficult for a bereaved person. Calling them on those days can let them know you are thinking of them.

Resources and support

If you want to learn about grief or get advice, there are organisations that can help:

• Lifeline offers 24-hour crisis support. If you need to talk to someone about how you're feeling, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
• Headspace has information on grief and loss for young people.
• Griefline — offers free, confidential support — call 1300 845 745, 8am to 8pm (AEST), 7 days a week.
• MensLine Australia offers phone and online counselling for Australian men — call 1300 78 99 78.
• Suicide Call Back Service — is a free phone and online counselling service for people affected by suicide — call 1300 659 467.
• Kids Helpline — is a counselling service for young people aged 5 to 25 years — call 1800 55 1800 or webchat.
• Grief Australia has resources and support for grieving Australians.

You can also call the healthdirect helpline on 1800 022 222 (known as NURSE-ON-CALL in Victoria). A registered nurse is available to speak with you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Languages other than English

If you speak a language other than English, you can visit the Griefline website for fact sheets translated into different languages.

You can also watch CareSearch's video on bereavement, grief and loss (video) in different languages.