Coping with family break-up, separation or divorce

When you have separated or divorced, you will probably have very strong emotional and physical responses at first.

Every person and every situation is different, so you will have your own response, especially if you experienced domestic violence or ongoing conflict in your relationship. Even if your partner was not abusive, you may feel sad, angry or conflicted at the ending of your relationship.

The early emotions may be so intense you could feel as though you are not coping.

You might feel:

• angry
• shocked
• relieved
• worried or afraid
• like you want to drink more alcohol or take other drugs
• that you have difficulty sleeping

You might feel a sense of loss about:

• your partner
• your marriage or relationship
• the amount of time you had with your children
• contact with friends and relatives
• your future plans
• your lifestyle and financial security

These responses to the stress of a break-up are all normal, regardless of whether you were in a heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transexual or intersex relationship.

Here are some tips on how to deal with a break-up, separation or divorce:

• Make choices that give you control over your life. These choices might be accepting that it's over, not being a victim, being positive for your children and other family members, learning new skills and making plans for the future.
• Ask for help. People will want to help you, so don't be afraid to ask. Talk to trusted family members and friends or to your doctor, especially if your feelings are affecting your everyday activities, your work or studies.
• Contact services for support and advice. There are many services that can help you through separation and divorce, such as counselling, family dispute resolution and family violence prevention.

A family break-up, separation or divorce is a major event in a child's life. Children may feel hurt, worried, confused or angry when their parents break up, separate or divorce. They could also develop a fear of abandonment.

How well your child copes will depend on:

• how you are coping with the change
• how you behave towards your former partner
• your child's age and level of maturity
• your child's personality and temperament

Tips for supporting your child

Here are some tips for supporting children (Opens in new tab) affected by separation or divorce:

• Talk with them and be open. You don't need to give your child all the details, but it's important to explain to them truthfully what's going on in a way they can understand. Make time to talk and listen to them. They might ask you difficult questions, so think carefully before you answer and be prepared to answer the same questions again and again.
• Provide lots of reassurance. Make sure your kids know the break-up was not their fault, that you will always be their parents and love them just as much as before. Be positive about the future. Tell them about future living arrangements and that good things will come out of the situation in the end.
• Be respectful about the other parent. It is harmful to children when parents attack or criticise each other. Children should never have to take sides or feel like they are caught in the middle. Minimise arguments and find a way to communicate respectfully with the other parent. Let your children be free to love both parents and not have to choose.
• Never quiz your child about what happens in the other parent's house. This can lead your child to feel torn between parents and may put pressure on them to come up with an answer that they think you want to hear.
• Be consistent with routines, rituals and boundaries. It's important to keep changes and disruption to a minimum. Even if they are living between 2 homes (Opens in new tab), it's possible to maintain your child's regular routines to help them feel safe and secure.
• Make them the focus. When discussing parenting arrangements, think about what is best for the children rather than what is best for you. Ask your child for their opinions and acknowledge their feelings and needs. Let them know their view counts.
• Make time for fun. When everyone is upset and stressed, it's important to take some time out to have fun. Go for a walk or a bike ride, put some music on and dance, go see a film together, or do something spontaneous.

Many children do not want to speak with their parents about divorce. It is important to let your children know it's OK to talk to another trusted adult (teacher, aunt, grandparent) or to call the Kids Helpline (Opens in new tab) on 1800 55 1800.

One of the most valuable ways to help your children adjust to their new circumstances is successful co-parenting (Opens in new tab).

Here are some parenting tips for separated or divorced parents:

• Develop a parenting plan (Opens in new tab). This lets both of you know what is expected of each other in terms of parenting rights and responsibilities. The plan should include details about your children's:
  • living arrangements
  • custody or visitation schedules
  • finances
  • education
  • health
  • emotional care
• Manage family conflicts. ongoing conflicts can hurt children. If communicating with your former partner is difficult, counselling can help. Contact the Family Relationship Advice Line (Opens in new tab) on 1800 050 321.
• Accept you may have different parenting styles (Opens in new tab). as long as your children are safe and secure, your children will learn that different rules apply in different situations.
• Give your former partner time to adjust. if you previously did most of the parenting, your former partner will need some time to learn how to be a single parent. If you haven't done much of the parenting in the past, give your partner time to adjust to your new skills and level of responsibility.

Don't worry if your former partner did most of the practical jobs around the home or managed the family finances. You can learn to do these for yourself. Sign up for a course or get some free financial counselling (Opens in new tab).

If you need financial assistance, visit Services Australia (Opens in new tab) to ask about payments (Opens in new tab) you may be eligible for. There are also payments and support available for people re-entering the workforce (Opens in new tab) or retraining (Opens in new tab).

Tips for looking after yourself

Here are some tips to help you cope with this challenging situation:

• Look after yourself. Give yourself time to deal with the situation and continue to do the things you enjoy. Eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly.
• Seek help early. This is especially important if you have ongoing negative thoughts or are depressed. Make an appointment to talk to your doctor.
• Stay in contact with family and friends. Losing your social networks can increase your risk of depression, substance abuse or suicide.
• Don't bottle things up. Talk about how you are feeling with someone you trust, or call one of the support services listed in resources and support below.
• Don't be ashamed if you experienced domestic violence. Your partner's violent behaviour isn't your fault. If you are struggling with your feelings call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732). This is the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.
• Get your children help too. If you are worried about your child, seek professional help.

It can also help to remember that you:

• will need time — coming to terms with the separation may not happen straight away
• don't need to feel guilty, it takes 2 people to end a relationship. Ask for help to deal with feelings of guilt or hopelessness. Talk to your doctor or trusted family and friends about how you are feeling.
• can seek help — if your feelings are not improving despite having good support, or if you feel overwhelmed or depressed, seek medical advice. Be careful not to rely on your child for emotional support.

You can find a list of services at Relationships Australia (Opens in new tab), or call 1300 364 277.

If you are going through a separation or a divorce, visit Family Relationships Online (Opens in new tab).

For emotional support, you can call:

• Lifeline (Opens in new tab) on 13 11 14
• Beyond Blue (Opens in new tab) on 1300 22 4636
• MensLine Australia (Opens in new tab) on 1300 78 99 78

For general legal information about separation and divorce in Australia see the website of Family Court of Australia on Divorce (Opens in new tab).

Relationships Australia (Opens in new tab) has a range of resources for different groups including:

• Men and separation: navigating the future (Opens in new tab)
• Women and separation: managing new horizons (Opens in new tab)
• What about the Children? (Opens in new tab)
• Share the care: Parenting Plan — collaborative parenting apart (Opens in new tab)

Read more on helping children and families adjust after separation or divorce:

• Relationship breakdown and divorce (Opens in new tab)
• Helping your child through divorce (Opens in new tab)
• Practical tips for two households (Opens in new tab)
• Co-parenting (Opens in new tab)

Call healthdirect on 1800 022 222 at any time to speak to a registered nurse (known as NURSE-ON-CALL in Victoria) for more information and advice.

Looking for information for Aboriginal and/or Torres Strait Islander people?

Aboriginal Legal Service of Western Australia (Inc) provides a booklet (Opens in new tab) for Aboriginal and/or Torres Strait Islander people. The also have FREECALL ALSWA from anywhere in WA on 1800 019 900.

Aboriginal Legal Service (Opens in new tab) assists Aboriginal and/or Torres Strait Islander people across NSW and the ACT with anything related to family law. You can call them on 1800 765 767. This is a toll-free number.

Visit amica to learn about culturally appropriate services for Aboriginal and/or Torres Strait Islander people (Opens in new tab), and to help with separation and family support.

Legal Aid Australia have a booklet for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women (Opens in new tab).

Looking for information for sexually and gender-diverse families?

Call QLife (Opens in new tab) on 1800 184 527 for free LGBTIQ+ peer support and referral, or to talk about sexuality, gender, bodies, feelings or relationships.